


It's for the best (I think)

by tonysta_k



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MWPP, Marauders era, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 18:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3906586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonysta_k/pseuds/tonysta_k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus has been dreading this day all week. It doesn't help that Sirius and Peter swapped beds so Sirius could be closer to Remus. It doesn't help that Sirius is completely loved up. It doesn't help that Remus is loved up. None of it helps, but Remus has to do this. He can't do it anymore, his friends are already at risk of getting hurt with every full moon that occurs. Remus has to do this, because if he was to hurt Sirius, he couldn't forgive himself. Which is ironic, because what he's about to do, is undoubtedly going to break him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's for the best (I think)

Remus has been dreading this day all week. It doesn't help that Sirius and Peter swapped beds so Sirius could be closer to Remus. It doesn't help that Sirius is completely loved up. It doesn't help that Remus is loved up. None of it helps, but Remus has to do this. He can't do it anymore, his friends are already at risk of getting hurt with every full moon that occurs. Remus has to do this, because if he was to hurt Sirius, he couldn't forgive himself. Which is ironic, because what he's about to do, is undoubtedly going to break him.

Remus walks into the common room to see Sirius is sat in one of the large armchairs. His legs are beneath him, crossed over one another. His hair has been messily put up and a book sits on his lap, much to Remus' surprise. He walks over and sits on the arm, which he regrets immediately because Sirius leans his head onto his arm. He's making this worse than needs be.

Remus coughs, "We need to talk."

Sirius looks up at Remus and smiles. His smile is all white straight teeth - perfectly in line with one another. "What about."

Remus can't bring himself to look at Sirius. He's such a coward, how he got into Gryffindor has and always will be a mystery. Instead, he looks at his hands, looking at the scars littering his skin, "Us."

Sirius nods, "Okay, what about us?"

Remus sighs and closes his eyes - he thought he had this. He thought that he could do this. He had gone over what he wanted to say. How and when. But he feels as if the words have been locked inside of a box and he can't find the key. He opens his mouth to speak, but instead of words, a little incoherent noise comes out.

"Remus.."

"We can't be together." The words shot up his throat and out of his mouth so quickly Remus didn't think about how it would sound. How they would affect Sirius or himself.

He turns his head, and he now knows how they have affected the two of them. Sirius is staring at Remus. His expression is exactly what Remus imagine when he made the decision to break up with the boy. Saddened, shocked eyes, wet cheeks, and a wobbling bottom lip.

Sirius rushes out of the room before Remus can say another word.

Sirius doesn't turn up for Transfigurations, and James tells Remus that he hasn't seen since Sirius since he left him in the common room to study. The words send a sharp pain to Remus' chest. It hurts more than the wounds he inflicts on himself every month. Guilt eats him up so much that he feels it. His head starts hurting and he has to concentrate on breathing properly.

The whole class is spent trying to work out where Sirius could be. He makes a list, and decides that he'll sacrifice studying in need of looking for Sirius. It's the least he can do.

The house elves say he hasn't been in the kitchen. He isn't down by the lake or sat up in one of the trees. He's not in the dorm or the common room, and when James come back into the dorm to say Sirius didn't come to Quidditch practice, Remus' anxiety is thrown through the roof.

"James I did something," Remus takes a breath, he's close to tears. But he doesn't think he has the right to cry - he's the one who hurt Sirius, the one who ended the relationship.

"What was it?" James asks, looking up from untying his shoelaces.

"I broke up with Sirius," his voice breaks but he bites his lip.

James stares at Remus, not saying a word. Remus can't read his expression, it's unreadable. He doesn't know what expression James is showing - if there is one, but Remus is preparing himself for the lecture of a life time.

"When?"

Remus looks away, his face portraying the same expression as Sirius' did early on, "When he was studying in the common room" His voice is barely audible and breaks more with every word.

James is silent for a few seconds. Until, "Have you checked by the lake?"

"Of course."

James gets up and sighs, "I'll have a look, you stay here or in the common room in case he comes back."

Remus nods. He follows James downstairs, the sounds of each step echoing in his ears. He's more aware than usually. He has his anxiety and strong senses to thank for that. He sits down and watches as James exits the room.

"What's got you upset?"

He turns his head to see Lily sitting next to him, wiping her skirt and top, trying to get black little hairs off it.

"What's on your top?"

"You're not answering me, but it's from a dog. There was one by the lake and it seemed to follow me and Alice everywhere."

Remus fills with relief and his heart does a little flip, "I have to go."

Lily raises an eyebrow as Remus gets up, "Where?"

"That's not important."

He runs out of the common room so quickly that he doesn't see someone coming his way. They collide and end on the floor.

"Watch where you're going Lupin!"

Remus recognises that voice instantly, and no longer keeps ahold of the guilt he had started to feel. He gets up and looks down at Snape, "Maybe you should watch where you're going, or has that crooked nose of yours made you lose your sense of direction?"

He continues running before Snape can make some comment about Remus. He runs down the stairs so quickly he wouldn't be surprised if he's left shoe prints on the steps.

Outside is bitterly cold and he stops so quickly he almost falls over. He looks around, seeing if he can see the animagus version of his boyfriend. He sucks in a breath. Ex-boyfriend, thanks to him. He regrets not asking Lily where 'the dog' was last seen, but then he feels something against his leg. He looks down to see Padfoot leaning against him. Relief and fear hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Have you any idea how worried I've been?" he asks, leaning down.

He puts his hands behind Padfoot's ears and starts scratching them, and in return, his face is licked.

"I hate it when you do that."

"Remus, what're you doing?"

Remus freezes. He slowly turns his head, seeing a confused looking, red eyed, wet cheeks Sirius stood there, "I uh,"

"Thought it was me?"

Remus nods and gets up, turning his body so he's facing Sirius properly. He wipes his cheek, trying not to be disgusted that an actual dog licked his face, "Will you let me explain?"

Sirius shrugs and walks towards Remus, "What else do I have to lose?"

They walk to the lake without a word. Sirius won't look at Remus and Remus keeps his eyes on the ground. They sit against a tree, and instead of saying anything, Remus runs his fingers over the goosebumps on his arms. He's not sure if they're from the cold or the emotions he's feeling. The words he thought that he could use have been locked up again. And there's no chance of him finding the key.

"Why did you do it?" Sirius asks. He's staring at the lake.

"I," Remus shakes his head. "I don't know."

Sirius turns his head to look at Remus, "So you just did it for fun?"

"What if I make a mistake?" Remus knows it sounds like he's trying to avoid the question, but he isn't. He's trying to tell Sirius, but he's not making sense. His words have been moved into a bag and he's playing lucky dip. Reaching in and grabbing a sentence, hoping that it'll make sense.

"What're you on about?"

"What if.. what if I hurt you?"

Sirius laughs. The type of laugh you give when you're in shock. An almost nasty laugh.

"I don't know why it's funny," Remus mumbles, looking down at his trousers. Does Sirius not realise he's hurting too? Of course he doesn't.

"To prevent hurting me, you break up with me?" Sirius asks.

Remus realizes how stupid that seems. He explains, "You already put yourself at a risk every full moon, what if something happens? What if I hurt you?"

"Me being your boyfriend doesn't make a difference in those chances happening," Sirius says.

Remus shakes his head, eyes watering. He looks up and takes a deep breath, digging his nails into his jeans, into his skin. Sirius cups Remus' cheek, and Remus doesn't stop himself from leaning into it. He closes his eyes and inhales a deep breath. He doesn't deserve the comfort being provided by the simple touch of Sirius' hand, but he can't bring himself to care. He doesn't have the energy.

"I know we're not been a couple that long.. or at least we weren't a couple that long," Sirius' voice is soft, providing Remus with more comfort. "But I really, really like you. And if I'm right, and not being a cocky bastard like usually, then I know you like me too. So why would you break up with me?"

Remus swallows and forces himself to look at Sirius, "Because you deserve better than me."

"But I don't want anyone else."

Remus shakes his head, still resting his cheek against Sirius' warm hand, "But I'm not worth it."

"Worth what?"

"What if.. what if I got killed? What if I inflicted so much pain onto myself that I couldn't cope and I.. I didn't make it," his voice has gone quiet and tears spill down his cheeks like ink across a page.

Sirius silently takes Remus into his arms. He's glad, and surprised when Remus doesn't push away, and instead leans his head on Sirius' shoulder, holds onto his shirt, and takes in the smell of Sirius - herbs and smoke. An odd but welcoming smell. For Remus anyway. Sirius has more questions, but decides to leave them. Remus is already emotional and he doesn't want to push it. Instead, he rubs his back and looks out to the lake. He's confused and hurt, and he's also concerned for Remus. He's sure that this fear of him dying isn't just to do with him, but other reasons as well.

"I never wanted to break up with you," is mumbled after a few minutes.

Sirius looks down at Remus, using his unoccupied hand to run through his hair, "We don't have to talk about it."

Remus looks up at Sirius, "Can we.. can we try again? I know I was the one who broke it off but.."

"Yes, we can try again," Sirius replies.

Remus simply nods and leans his head against Sirius, looking out at the lake with him. He knows that the reasons he broke up with Sirius are due to his own self hatred. Due to his fears and worries. He never wanted to break up with Sirius, he was trying to do the right thing for Sirius. He was trying to set him free from the clutches of a monster. But if they're going to make this work, and by they Remus mainly means himself, he needs to put his fears and worries behind him. He needs to remind himself that he has to be strong, or at least talk to someone when it all seems too much. He's got to stop letting fear control his life. It won't be easy, there's a long road ahead of him. Ahead of them. But he wants to make it work, so he's going to try his best to open up and stop stuffing his fears away. He's got to let them go somehow. He isn't expecting himself to give himself an easy time over this - he knows he'll beat himself up for weeks, months, who knows how long. He'll always find a fault in himself. But at least he has his friends, and at least he has his boyfriend. At least he isn't alone.

**Author's Note:**

> If I've written this so that people have gotten confused, one, I'm sorry I do that sometimes, two, Remus wanted to break up with Sirius because he's deep in self hatred and he can't stand the thought of him hurting Sirius in any way.


End file.
